Less profound than my previous postings, but...

...but there you go! I have decided to make this blog a sort of theoretical landfill for all the things that go through my decidedly bizarre mind, so you can either bear with me or skip this one :-P

So... there's a boy. Well, not really "on the scene" per se, but in existence...Well may you pity him, he probably deserves it. But it got me thinking about the whole dynamics of relationships, flirting, the shitty politics that go with it, in a more general sense.

You see, I went out with my ex-fiancé for about 4 and a half years. At 22, that's a substantial proportion of my life, and it means that I haven't really ever been on the dating "scene" in my adult life - I was 17 when I met him. I'm taken aback at how new and strange it feels to me to be single, to see guys in a social context without automatically precluding them in a romantic sense because I'm already taken. It's all so new to me, and I find myself behaving a lot more like a giggly schoolgirl than is probably acceptable at my age. That makes me sound like a grandmother, I know, there you are.

This guy - I haven't seen him in years. And I mean years. We met as teenagers and got back into contact by pure coincidence through a mutual friend recently. There's nothing much going on to write home about, but I have to say I feel like an idiot. Some say they're envious of those butterflies you get with a new person on the horizon, but to be honest I just feel awkward and socially clumsy. Is possible to wear your heart on your sleeve without scaring the shite out of people? What if you completely build people up in your mind to be someone they're not, a figment of your nostalgia, your reminiscing?

As a nutty 15-year-old, this guy meant a lot to me. I think he was the first person I ever had feelings beyond "m'eh" for, and correspondingly when we fought and lost contact it was the first time I felt like I'd really lost something in letting go of it. Realistically, we were too young at the time for anything beyond lots of red faces and cringeworthy texts to happen, but still. For all I know, he's a completely different person now, and I'm chasing the wind. I do that, though, and it drives me nuts! Not just with this guy specifically, but in general. I have no patience when it comes to stuff like this. It's a constant struggle for me to contain my emotions and affection, and while that's arguably a good thing, it's difficult because I'm so bloody sensitive. Mmmmph.

I fucking hate politics. Why can't we all just be honest and straightforward in our communication with each other and be done with it? "Playing it cool" does not become me.