It was with some interest, earlier, that I read up on the concept of depressive realism after a friend of mine provided this link:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depressive_realism
Basically, the theory is that those who have a tendency towards being mildly to moderately depressed actually have a more realistic perspective of their environment - their own abilities, their importance in the world, the scope of their locus of control etc. I can only assume that this is usually what depresses them :-/
I wish I could dismiss this theory offhand, but I can't. That would be too optimistic. Ba-dum-bum-tish...
As most of you know, I have grappled on and off with depression myself. It's not something I am either ashamed of, or inclined to use for self-pity. It's just a fact. It's more than likely due to a combination of conditional and hereditary factors - my mum has also got mental health issues, and basically I'm not the only one in the family. Although whether our shared tendency towards depression is hereditary, or because we have to constantly deal with each other, is anyone's guess. But I think it's helpful to be honest about these things - if you cannot bear to articulate your own feelings of despair, whether current or in retrospect, I think you contribute to a conspiracy of silence for other people going through the same thing. Someone has to start talking, and frankly I don't mind being that person.
Aaaaanyway - there is a point to this post, and more than likely it will present itself eventually. The reason I am thinking about this right now is because I went to see the social worker in charge of my brother's case again today, to discuss progress within my family, etc etc.
I have very mixed feelings about how the meeting went. She was marginally better than the last social worker originally assigned to Paul, although that's not saying much since the original one was about as useful as a chocolate teapot. It was cathartic to me to discuss some of my difficulties in making reports with her, but it did make me conscious of my feelings of helplessness and fear with how things are progressing in my family. I feel kind of adrift in a sea of other people's agendas, with their motivations like currents pushing me this way and that way... my parents' inability to face their own mistakes/shortcomings, the dynamic between my mom and dad, the social worker just trying to tie up all the loose ends of red tape, my extended family - who remain mostly ambivalent on the subject, but support my mom, mainly - my little brother clinging to me, my sister... god it's exhausting. Maybe I have my own motivations? I suppose I must, but honestly the only thing I really *feel* about the situation is that I want my little brother to be OK, and to minimise the adverse effect that my parents have on him. I guess what the article on depression realism said about such individuals being conscious of their lack of control in certain scenarios really struck a chord with me - I am conscious of my lack of control over all the factors at play in this situation, and it drives me crazy.
I'm the kind of person who always wants to *fix* everything. I can't see something I think is unfair and not try to fix it. My friend gets screwed over by social welfare, I write to them to complain. I read something that annoys me in the paper, I write to it. I read about unethical practice of a company, I boycott it. I see my brother being abused by my parents, I report them to social services. Seems simple, and clean cut, but it isn't.
The emotional fallout from reporting my parents in February has been enormous. I have been in turns ignored, made homeless, guilt tripped, accepted back, chastised, blamed for everything, and denied access to my brother. It's been a roller coaster, emotionally, and to be honest at this stage I don't know my head from my ass. Every time I think I'm reaching some kind of mental plateau where I can accept the situation as it is and deal with it, something else happens to make me question my sanity/maturity/motivations.
I love my parents, but as the social worker said this morning, they categorically deny everything that happens at home. Both of them deny ever hitting my brother, or that there are problems at home, and they resent the social worker's intrusion and questioning of their parenting abilities. What the SW said this morning is that my parents have preconceived notions of the kind of people social services deal with - layabout drunks, mainly - and they don't see themselves as being at all in this category. Which is fair enough, but kinda misses the point. I need scarcely point out the fallacy of thinking that you have to live in a council estate with piebald ponies roaming your front garden, drinking Stella Artois in a wifebeater vest at 1 o clock in the afternoon, for there to be child abuse - or for social services to be necessary. It makes me crazy, because every now and again I'll think I've made a breakthrough, if a small one, in getting through to them. Usually, I'll have a discussion with my dad - the more self-aware of the two, whereby I outline erratic or dangerous behaviour in the past, on mom's part especially, and he acknowledges it. But it's like he just can't *face* the extent of it, so the next time I see him I'm practically back to square one of "problems? What problems? I don't see a problem, except you."
I just so bloody unfair. I'm aware of how petulant that sounds, but it's just so cruel. I know I have shortcomings. I don't mind admitting them. There have been times where i have said things I shouldn't/didn't mean, and when Paul was attacked in June I was too slow to report it to social services. I should have done so immediately, I recognise that now. But I'm scared. I'm scared of hurting my parents, I'm scared of severing my relationship with them forever, I'm scared of causing more pain - but more than anything else, I'm scared of letting Paul down. He needs me, and if I have to be the only one in this scenario willing to stand up and say that our family is fucking messed up? I'll do it. I just wish I wasn't alone, one voice shouting against a howling wind comprised of contradiction and misplaced guilt. Where's a bloody fairy godmother when you need her...
Monday, November 22, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Look, a new format!
I thought my old one was looking a bit... bare.
I'm not a particular fan of minimalism - sorry! - so I felt it would be nice to have a change. I put books in the background! The colours are warm and inviting! The template seems to say to the reader - "come in, have a cup of tea and a beanbag, and read my inane ramblings."
And I'm full of crap as usual... I just liked the pretty colours!
Tune in next week for further insight.
I'm not a particular fan of minimalism - sorry! - so I felt it would be nice to have a change. I put books in the background! The colours are warm and inviting! The template seems to say to the reader - "come in, have a cup of tea and a beanbag, and read my inane ramblings."
And I'm full of crap as usual... I just liked the pretty colours!
Tune in next week for further insight.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Self-indulgent, I know.
As much as on one level the idea rankles with me as a combination of arrogant and self-indulgent, I have decided to write a book. It's something I've always, always wanted to do; as a 13-year-old I completed several chapters of a Tolkienesque fantasy epic before my lack of self-confidence put a cap on the proceedings. Writing is somewhat of a love of mine, and I've decided to return to it, albeit this time not in the genre of fantasy. The work I'm looking to complete this time will be non-fiction.
I'm looking to tackle the issue of women in Ireland, or more specifically feminism in Ireland. You see, I'm in a bit of a quandry as to which I'm actually dealing with, since the two are pretty intrinsically linked. But perhaps an explanation of my reasoning in pursuing this topic will help to clarify.
I cannot tell you how many people I have spoken to in recent years, who have *informed* me that feminism is no longer relevant, or important, in contemporary society - as though we had reached some kind of plateau of equality and could progress no further. I also cannot tell you the precise extent to which I disagree with this. Not only do I disagree with it, but I take grave offence to the attached implication that women's treatment and emancipation is of limited importance, and we should not inconvenience society by pointing out how much further there is to go.
The truth is - according to me, which you are obviously free to reject - that feminism, or the struggle for perfect equality, will never cease to be necessary. It is not a finite project with a clear, preset goal which, once achieved, renders further endeavours pointless. It's incredibly complacent in my book to ever even suggest that society has reached some kind of pinnacle of equity - society can regress just as easily as it can progress, so that even if things are relatively just and equitable now, ideologies like feminism will always need to be vocal to prevent our society from backpedalling.
As it stands, in its' strictest interpretation, the most central goal of the feminist movement can never be *perfectly* achieved - that is, the absolutely equal treatment of men and women in all areas of society. For the most part, we cannot even agree on what that means as applicable to several areas. Personally, I see it as the availability of maximum choice - of lifestyle, career, etc - and the assessment of each individual on their own merits, rather than a broad assumption of their merits due to their belonging to a specific subset of the population. Namely, women. In my view, this is only attainable to a certain extent because it is part of the human condition to sort others into categories in our own mind for the sake of simplicity, if nothing else. Humankind, and the complexity that makes us so incredibly special and wonderful, is ironically something that we cannot seem to handle. Instead we break ourselves up into neat compartments - blacks, whites, men, women, children, elderly, Muslim, Christian, atheist - and assign each group a set of attributes. "Black women are bossy", "Irish people are all alcholics", "Germans are really uptight", "People under 30 have nothing to contribute", etc. etc., ad nauseum. I'm not commenting on how accurate or otherwise these assumptions are, just that we all have them to one extent or another.
Not only do we assign people categories, but very often we attach values to them as well. The extent to which we do this is largely dependent on our own levels of maturity and self-esteem - the more insecure we are individually, the more likely we are to project our inadequacy onto others in a classic "diminish the value of others to make yourself feel better" manouvre. Like the quintessential playground bully, we find a series of criteria according to which we can deem ourselves superior to our counterparts. Now, I'm no psychologist, so all of this is purely based on my own observation thus far, but I think it's fair to say that if we think about it, we kinda see this all the time.
Why Ireland, specifically? Well, obviously, it is the country of which I have the most first-hand experience and knowledge. I would want to do some pretty extensive research in order to feel comfortable tackling women's issues within an alternative cultural context. I also think that feminism is highly relevant to Ireland, perhaps even more so than to other European countries. Progress in the area of equality in general has been slow and hard-bought, and mostly at the behest of the EU since our membership began in 1973. Think back, in 1973 - contraception was still illegal, as was homosexuality, and women were still forced to quit their jobs int he private sector upon marriage. Because naturally, women cannot expect to be both a wife AND an employee, that would just be patently ridiculous!
As much as progress *has* been made, there are still major speedbumps along the road to perfect gender parity in Ireland - a road which has no definitive end. I want to look particularly at the way in which issues like domestic violence, sexual assault and discrimination are handled here, as well as Irish legislation that impacts on the independence and wellbeing of women in general. In my experience, there are major flaws in the way violence against women is handled in this country, and the experience of the victim seems to hang dangerously on the level of sympathy they receive from individual Gardai/lawyers etc they encounter. This is more than likely the case in many countries, but there seems to be very little recourse for those whose cases are mishandled.
For those of you who follow my blog, what do you think? Do you have any ideas? Do you think there's a place for such research? Let me know what you think, I'm always open to feedback :-)
I'm looking to tackle the issue of women in Ireland, or more specifically feminism in Ireland. You see, I'm in a bit of a quandry as to which I'm actually dealing with, since the two are pretty intrinsically linked. But perhaps an explanation of my reasoning in pursuing this topic will help to clarify.
I cannot tell you how many people I have spoken to in recent years, who have *informed* me that feminism is no longer relevant, or important, in contemporary society - as though we had reached some kind of plateau of equality and could progress no further. I also cannot tell you the precise extent to which I disagree with this. Not only do I disagree with it, but I take grave offence to the attached implication that women's treatment and emancipation is of limited importance, and we should not inconvenience society by pointing out how much further there is to go.
The truth is - according to me, which you are obviously free to reject - that feminism, or the struggle for perfect equality, will never cease to be necessary. It is not a finite project with a clear, preset goal which, once achieved, renders further endeavours pointless. It's incredibly complacent in my book to ever even suggest that society has reached some kind of pinnacle of equity - society can regress just as easily as it can progress, so that even if things are relatively just and equitable now, ideologies like feminism will always need to be vocal to prevent our society from backpedalling.
As it stands, in its' strictest interpretation, the most central goal of the feminist movement can never be *perfectly* achieved - that is, the absolutely equal treatment of men and women in all areas of society. For the most part, we cannot even agree on what that means as applicable to several areas. Personally, I see it as the availability of maximum choice - of lifestyle, career, etc - and the assessment of each individual on their own merits, rather than a broad assumption of their merits due to their belonging to a specific subset of the population. Namely, women. In my view, this is only attainable to a certain extent because it is part of the human condition to sort others into categories in our own mind for the sake of simplicity, if nothing else. Humankind, and the complexity that makes us so incredibly special and wonderful, is ironically something that we cannot seem to handle. Instead we break ourselves up into neat compartments - blacks, whites, men, women, children, elderly, Muslim, Christian, atheist - and assign each group a set of attributes. "Black women are bossy", "Irish people are all alcholics", "Germans are really uptight", "People under 30 have nothing to contribute", etc. etc., ad nauseum. I'm not commenting on how accurate or otherwise these assumptions are, just that we all have them to one extent or another.
Not only do we assign people categories, but very often we attach values to them as well. The extent to which we do this is largely dependent on our own levels of maturity and self-esteem - the more insecure we are individually, the more likely we are to project our inadequacy onto others in a classic "diminish the value of others to make yourself feel better" manouvre. Like the quintessential playground bully, we find a series of criteria according to which we can deem ourselves superior to our counterparts. Now, I'm no psychologist, so all of this is purely based on my own observation thus far, but I think it's fair to say that if we think about it, we kinda see this all the time.
Why Ireland, specifically? Well, obviously, it is the country of which I have the most first-hand experience and knowledge. I would want to do some pretty extensive research in order to feel comfortable tackling women's issues within an alternative cultural context. I also think that feminism is highly relevant to Ireland, perhaps even more so than to other European countries. Progress in the area of equality in general has been slow and hard-bought, and mostly at the behest of the EU since our membership began in 1973. Think back, in 1973 - contraception was still illegal, as was homosexuality, and women were still forced to quit their jobs int he private sector upon marriage. Because naturally, women cannot expect to be both a wife AND an employee, that would just be patently ridiculous!
As much as progress *has* been made, there are still major speedbumps along the road to perfect gender parity in Ireland - a road which has no definitive end. I want to look particularly at the way in which issues like domestic violence, sexual assault and discrimination are handled here, as well as Irish legislation that impacts on the independence and wellbeing of women in general. In my experience, there are major flaws in the way violence against women is handled in this country, and the experience of the victim seems to hang dangerously on the level of sympathy they receive from individual Gardai/lawyers etc they encounter. This is more than likely the case in many countries, but there seems to be very little recourse for those whose cases are mishandled.
For those of you who follow my blog, what do you think? Do you have any ideas? Do you think there's a place for such research? Let me know what you think, I'm always open to feedback :-)
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